NO FBI file … and the Pentagon doesn’t know me



In my ongoing quest to find records about myself the Federal Government of the United States my have on file, I have found the Federal Bureau of Investigation claim no investigation records concerning me are on file. (But they got my gender wrong, and the makes me want to question their accuracy).


However, thanks to their cool “FBI Fact Sheet” I have discovered that those times I was finger printed by NASA and the United States Army, and my personal character cleared and vouched for by FBI boys and girls, are not included in a “file,” but are part of something no less sinister than a “rap sheet.” 


As cool as it is to be told the FBI has been around since 1908 and they do not keep files on every US citizen – thanks comrades – but, now, I KNOW I gotta FBI rap sheet, pal, and it is as long as … my thumbnail, probably, but what else could be on there?

To find out, I gotta roll all 10 of my inked fingers on fingerprint blotter. Send that card – AND $18 – to the FBI just to find out. 

But I am troubled by all of this denial of a “file.” The FBI sent a long list of exemptions, most of which I didn’t understand. I admit some ignorance in legalese no pertaining to contracts and things that explode, but what the hell does THIS mean:

(b)(3) specifically exempted from disclosure by statute (other than section 552b of this title), provided that such statute(A)  requires that the matters be withheld from the public in such a manner as to leave no discretion on issue, or (B) establishes particular criteria for withholding or refers to particular types of matters to be withheld;

I haven’t seen that much withholding since I had an overtime check for 80 hours of coverage of the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster a decade ago. WTF FBI? 

And, I am told that “rap sheets” and “files” are different entities entirely. AND they cannot get my gender correct. I admit to a certain amount of androgyny in the 80s … well, actually NEVER. I have always been partial to my identity as a male, and it pains me that the FBI cannot get my sex/gender correct.

The Pentagon, via the DoD Defense Security Service, succinctly told me they had no investigation files on me and to buzz off. Even their website is well ordered and to the point. Gotta love the military shorthand.

And that is no joke. 


The Colonel


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