The fact is … Network TV is jacked


Every year I look forward to the new shows on the Fall line up … and for the last 13 years or so, I have been way disappointed.

Just never bought into the “reality” of television since 2000, and I realize Shelby G. Spires is in a demographic all his own, and like so many evangelists and preachers before them, the soap sellers cannot reach me.

NBC is bringing Dracula back to life for its Fall 2013 schedule, and Fox has Sleepy Hollow about a “headless man who believes he is one of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.”

Robert Greenblatt, current chairman of NBC Entertainment, is no Jack Donaghy. He must have been a blast at the Broadcasters convention last spring when the pilots are shown to advertisers and regional broadcasters.

“Bobby, whacha got for us next season?”
“Well, I got Dracula.”
“What, like Dracula on Mars or something?”
“Nope, just Dracula in Victorian London attacking women who look like his long dead wife.”
“What’s the angle, Bobby?”
“Well, he is pretty pissed over global warming … here have another bourbon.”

Dracula is mostly just Dracula from the original – public domain – Bram Stoker novel and play. And Sleepy Hollow makes me want to take a nap. Ichabod, of Washington Irving’s short story (and the excellent Johnny Depp 1999 movie “Sleepy Hollow”), has been transported to the present day … I know, I couldn’t read past that either.

All of this is going to make it real easy to buy into Andy Samberg (who at 35 is a true comic talent) as a straight-up NYPD detective in Fox’s Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Samberg is great at coming up with funny three-minute bits that are take offs on 1980s MTV era videos – Jizz in My Pants is making me laugh right now – but can he be a cop making the French Connection?

I’ll give him a break, pal, and tune in – for about 20 minutes and if I don’t like it then I am off to “Miami Vice” reruns on DVD. Change of climate and real 80s chicks always pick me up.

Maybe I cannot go home again to Network Television, but I also just cannot bring myself to watch a Stripes rip off called “Enlisted” … from the WIkipedia page (I cannot even bear to link to its Fox page):

“Three very different brothers, each enlisted in the army, find themselves all stationed at the same Florida military base. When the majority of the base is deployed overseas, the brothers are assigned to the Rear Detachment – the soldiers left behind to take care of the base. While working together, along with the other misfits on the base, the brothers are able to renew and strengthen their childhood bonds.”

If them’s the facts jack on Enlisted, I am separating from that service.

I look forward to Fall 2014.

The Colonel –


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