CIA has no intelligence on me

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I have pulled out the Dom Peringnon and dusted off the tuxedo for a celebration, for I have NO Central Intelligence Agency file.

The past few weeks the plight of Ed Snowden, either the most brilliant guy to have a stripper or dancer or acrobat or actress as a girlfriend or the most vile traitor since Benedict Arnold depending on which poll you wrap your legs … beliefs around, has inspired me to finally find out what the Federal G has collected on me – Shelby G. Spires, aerospace writer for 20 years and a person who has been on many a secure federal installation.

So far  – zilch. As the letter below gets around to saying at the end of the first graph, but continues to call me a boob if I want to repeat a search on me for something that may or may not exist.

The CIA has nothing on me. If they did and it were classified then they would have to tell me. Pretty much the same thing the National Security Agency said and The Pentagon.

The U.S. Marshall’s service cut the difference and told me I didn’t fill out the form properly, and the FBI seems to split hairs about what constitutes a file and a “wrap sheet.”

Just to show me how they are right, good and proper about NOT having found anything, I got another USG fact sheet, this one specific to the CIA, telling me all of the legal reasons why they don’t have to dip too far into their records for a stupid jerk like myself. Well, OK … thanks.

Geez, I don’t know whether to feel good about anonymity, depressed or just wonder, vainly it would seem for a long time, that the super special top secret room has a file on me.

Actually, I kinda figured this would all turn up nothing but a few blog posts, although I still await my NSA appeal process to play itself out. I have filed dozens of Freedom of Information Act requests over the years as a military and aerospace writer, but never one as Joe Shelby.

And you know what, it felt good to be Joe Shelby. One hell of a lot better than John Q. Shelby, I can vouch for that. And sometimes, years and years later a FOIA request can turn up some interesting stuff, such as this one, which shows a lot of stuff about a CIA sculpture named Kryptos the NSA busted the code on a decade ago. Those guys … so lovable and fun at heart.

I also have the deepest respect for the CIA, not so much for their might or unsung, Jack Ryan-esque victories, but because their mailroom KNOWS how to send out a letter that will not be tampered with. Good on ya, brothers and sisters from Langley:
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