They call me Mr. Shelby


Mr. Brian C. – and I do assume that is his real name at the National Security Agency – the NSA’s FOIA/PA Appeals Program Manager of the Office of Associate General Counsel (Litigation) sent a letter via First Class US Post that my request for information has been granted an appeal.

Be brave … oh, that was what they say when the appeal is turned down during the French Revolution and the old guillotine is about to be sharpened. My appeal was granted.


This feels great. The NSA is going to review two requests I made about information concerning myself and another person of interest who was in Huntsville, Alabama during the time I worked at The Huntsville Times.

I figured all that super secret stuff I wrote about the Apollo program, the space shuttle and missile defense might have popped me up on the NSA’s vacuum like radar scope. Or at least a few of my phone calls might have … or maybe that time I went into this electronic device clean room.

Who knows ‘til you ask, right?

And look, I even got a guy with a F-I-V-E (5) letter first name, and a single initial for his last name. They didn’t take all his name away. I figure that he might be a lawyer and he negotiated a pretty sweet deal – poison pill included – that let him keep his last initial and first name.

Also, the NSA gave me my gender back. I am “Mr. Shelby Spires” to them. Although, the salutation was addressed to “Mr. Shelby” . . . which makes me feel like I am a 78-year-old Sunday School teacher.

But who can be choosy at this stage, eh.

Beats being holed up in a Moscow hotel backhanding all those marriage proposals from Natasha-esque spies, doesn’t. Nope, all us good patriots are right out here, in the shadow of the U.S. Air Force flying missions and across the street from the cows.

Of course, I wait on the edge of my cushioned seat, watching my DVD reruns of “The Man from U.N.C.L.E,” and look for the mail lady (who has this sexy Hungarian or Latvian accent, I might add – no joke) to deliver my follow up appeal letter from NSA.

I am sure it will be weighty and bulky and cost us taxpayers a bundle.

The Colonel


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